Ok, Just Quit It

It's hard to stop thinking thoughts that you've been thinking for a long, long time. Self destructive thoughts not intended to propel one into any positive direction, but instead, to send one spiraling down a path of self-defeating loathing.

It's tempting to divert attention from a solution and to focus on the reason. Why, why, why? Maybe my mom didn't bond with me. Maybe my parents were unprepared for a child such as I. Maybe it was a genetic malfunction or maybe I just like feeling sorry for myself. In the end, the whys don't change the now. I can forgive my mother, forgive my parents, forgive myself, but it doesn't change the the core beliefs about myself. I know, I've tried. The thoughts may be chased away with any tool one chooses to use; positive thinking, mad busyness, old mental brooms, but they always sneak back like a roach searching for food in the dark. I empathize with people who kill themselves. I won't, because I don't want to piss God off, but I understand it.

But frankly, I'm tired of the mental monkey on my back. I live with a constant slow burning fear. Nothing is black and white. Every fear has it's own shade of color.

So what's the solution? Who am I kidding? I don't know. The only thing I know is to keep moving forward through the fear, in faith. I keep on writing, though no one reads me, as if I am a real writer; going to work, though I constantly mess up, as if I am a good secretary; trying to eat right, get exercise, keep myself well-groomed as if I am an attractive woman, though I don't believe it; and trudging forward spiritually and in relationships with others, although it's difficult and sometimes I'm difficult and indifferent.

I want to just quit it, but that doesn't work for me. There are periods of relief, when things work out despite my inherent belief in failure. Those are wondrous moments.